Current mood:

crushed

here we go again
so I am low on confidence again .. nothing to do with my career .. more to do with people ..... I just don't have the confidence to look at people as I move around ... lest some unkind strare or remark hurts me ... it is like as I move in public places ,I shut out all the people and concentrate only on the in animate things ....

used to do this a lot in India esp when I was in Jain Collge in PUC.. that was the first time I encountered BTS buses .... some how @ the end of the boards i decided that I will not get scared ..... so I put a brave face through most of BE .....

when I came here @ first it was different .. I was able to go ahead with my work without people telling anything or perhaps I never noticed .... since the trip to India .. which was a nightmare replayed with all the people there ... I just lack the confidence to look @ people ( whom I dont know ) in their face ....

also had a bad encounter with some sophomores on saturday evening

this is the kind of thing which totally destroys me as in plays a huge influence on the rest of my life ... whenever someone makes some remark or laughs @ me ... i generally end up losing concetration even as far as work goes ... and it happened again ....

I am getting frustrated ... 23 years is a long time ... and out of that the last 19 years have been more or less spent in this manner .... I know that I am not supposed to take al this to heart and I should just ignore this ,... but trust me when it does happen .. when someone sands areound you and mocks .. it hurts .. bloody hurts ...

I need to get some confidence back to face people again ,..... have the courage to take their mocking without flinching and crawling back into a shell...

i realise that I am blessed in many ways and life could be worse ...
but when I look @ my classmates and friends I know that life could also have been kinder ....